Little things

I had two anxiety attacks in one day. They both happened while I was in the middle of two happy moments. They can hit anytime even when I’m in a good mood.

Although I got used to dealing with panic attacks, every time they hit it’s a surprise and I go through the same thought process that leads me to thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. My blood pressure goes down and I start getting dizzy until my subconscious wakes up to remind me that everything will be fine and that I just need to rationalise and take deep breaths. I do that until my heartbeat slows down and my mind goes back to its senses.

Every time this happens to me, I tell myself that I should not underestimate the stress that I'm going through. I say to myself you're only getting these attacks because your system can't take the pressure. You'll be ok, it's just a panic attack and soon it will disappear like nothing happened.

Come to think about it, this is a serious struggle. But I so got used to panic attacks that I never think about them as an inevitable consequence of what’s going on in my life right now.

But today it hit me that when we go through hard times for a long period of time, our system gets used to it as if this is the norm and we programme ourselves to adapt to the new situation.

When the second attack hit me I was watching a soccer match with friends and my team was winning. One minute I was feeling like I was going to die and that it was the end of the world and when it passed a few minutes later it felt as if the sun was shining again. When the peace came back I started writing this post in my head and the first thought that came to mind was “life is beautiful!”

Little things in life become very special and we take time to enjoy every moment. I truly enjoyed that moment of peace right after the storm as if it were the happiest moment of my life.

Blessed

My father’s blood pressure was severely high this morning. It reached a high of 200/120. The minute the nurse called me at 5:00a.m. I thought it was the end. I freaked out. A million thoughts crossed my mind. I had flashbacks of August 19, 2003 when my father woke us up at 5:00 a.m. to take mom to the hospital because she couldn’t tolerate the pain. Two days later she passed away in the hospital. We were in disbelief because she was just right there a few hours ago talking to us. Nobody told us she was leaving so soon. I remember the doctor telling me she only had 24 hours to live but that conversation took place over the phone. So I guess I didn’t get it because the doctor wasn’t there. I didn’t see his facial expressions as he was breaking the most difficult piece of news anybody could ever hear! When I called a few hours later to tell him that my mom was asking for him, he said he wouldn’t be able to make it because he was having dinner with friends.  I didn’t blame him then. I guess to him my mom’s case was just another patient who was dying. But he was oblivious to the fact that it was our first encounter with death. He didn’t know that we, as a family, would’ve appreciated a little more consideration to this painful reality.

Nine years later, I was woken up at 5:00 a.m. about a similar emergency. My heart dropped at the very thought of WHAT IF?  But this time the experience was different. I knew that the person I'd call would not dismiss me but would get up from a deep sleep to be with us for as long as needed. I wished I could go back in time and relive the same experience with my mother.

Ghadeer, my father’s hospice nurse is Godsend.  When she told us she was a phone call away she literally meant it. She rushed to attend to my father immediately after I called her and greeted him with a big smile and a kiss. She didn’t leave him until she made sure he was ok.

Though a close friend introduced me to the angel world of hospice care years ago, I didn’t appreciate its value until we reached out to their support a few weeks ago.

When I mistakenly thought that my father’s high blood pressure signaled the end, it was actually the beginning of our real experience with hospice care.  Today I felt we were blessed to have been introduced to what I would like to call “the hospice angels”. Now I understand what my friend, who started a hospice organisation in Lebanon” meant when she said her mission was to preserve the dignity of patients with terminal illnesses. 

My father’s dignity was preserved today. His call for help was respected at the comfort of his own home.  

I thanked God a million times because we were spared the agony of spending time in the hospital.  I thanked him for sparing us the pain of watching our father’s aching brain wonder why he was being dragged out of bed into an ambulance car yet again!

This thought humbled me. It made me feel that one shouldn’t really worry about anything in life because nothing matters. What really matters is being blessed with moments of peace when we truly need them.  Today I forgot all my worries and thanked God for his blessings.  I knew that whatever happens and whenever it happens we will be blessed with his peace.